im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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