508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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