but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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