She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
