We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
