In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
