Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
