I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
