My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
