As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
