Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
