Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
