watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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