so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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