You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
