So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Couch. On fire.
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