This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
