where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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