I wanna passion pit in your ass
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
