So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
