Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
