I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
