he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
