I think I won the penis lottery.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
