I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
