I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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