Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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