I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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