I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
