Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
