dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
