Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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