I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
