is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
