i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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