Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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