if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
