please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
My bed smells like the plague
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
