this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
