you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
