I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
