So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
