Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
