I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
