I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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