remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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