I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
