it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
PANTIES FOUND
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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