It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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