Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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