Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
