i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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