Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just pee around me
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
