life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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