All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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