I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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