You're my little dorito
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
