Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
